1
00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:38,353
God, this must be the worst job
in the empire, Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,072
delivering the governor's mail.
3
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:42,759
I wouldn't mind if there was
anything worth delivering,
4
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,473
but 2,000 miles for
one poxy letter.
5
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:46,999
I bet it's a bill.
6
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:50,269
It's gotta be the
worst job going.
7
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:53,710
Mind you, it's not as bad as being
chief wall scraper in the vomitorium.
8
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,991
Had a couple of years doing that.
That was pretty bad.
9
00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:00,237
Then I was a bollock catcher
in the eunuch factory.
10
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:03,875
Knowing my luck, I'll probably
end up as governor of Belgium.
11
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,149
- Here, Mungo.
12
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:17,912
- What?
- See your wheel's broke.
13
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:23,911
- Thank you very much.
- You need a spare one.
14
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,951
Yes, I know. Thank you.
15
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,833
Actually, I've got one underneath
this load of horse manure.
16
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:32,350
Don't think you could see your way clear
to helping me dig it out, do you?
17
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,790
I'd love to, but I'm
rather busy just now,
18
00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:39,549
being a shepherd, like,
having me flock to guard.
19
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,118
You haven't got a flock.
20
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:47,630
Well, it's only me first day.
21
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:57,396
Britain? What a dump. I don't know
why we bothered invading the place.
22
00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:01,991
I tell you, it's worse than being in
Syracuse on cat-juggling Tuesday.
23
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,600
It's these bloody British roads.
They're lethal.
24
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,995
Why can't they be straight
like proper roads?
25
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:10,350
If there was anything round that
corner, we'd be right in the sh...
26
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:19,031
Excuse me, you didn't see a spare wheel
while you were in there, did you?
27
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:22,914
You insolent barbarians!
You shall pay for this.
28
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,188
What's your name?
29
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,515
They call me Mungo the Evasive.
30
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:30,552
- Why's that?
- Who wants to know?
31
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,640
A wit. Well, tell me this.
32
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,830
If you Brits are so smart,
33
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,156
why do you build your roads
with so many bends in them?
34
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,191
Makes it easier to
go round corners.
35
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,238
That's good.
36
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,271
Evasive.
37
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:55,239
Sex, Aulus! Unfettered,
brazen sex.
38
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,272
Not just now, Grasientus.
I've got a headache.
39
00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:00,038
The men. They're at
it all the time.
40
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,469
Badvoc has set up a
brothel somewhere
41
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,751
to exploit our soldiers and
undermine our discipline.
42
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,360
50 sesterces for an
hour of depraved sex.
43
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:12,188
That is bad, yes. It was
only 25 when I was a boy.
44
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:17,557
It's all part of Badvoc's plan.
He's destroying us bit by bit.
45
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,876
Sapping our energy,
riddling us with disease.
46
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:26,438
There are women out there with naked
bodies concealed beneath their clothes.
47
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,438
Bodies with thrusting breasts,
48
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,313
lean, firm buttocks,
49
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,999
long, shapely legs...
50
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,636
Well, don't stop
there, Grasientus.
51
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:43,514
There are scenes of indescribable
lust and debauchery.
52
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,313
- How do you know all of this?
- I've seen them with my own eyes.
53
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,278
- What?
- The rumours.
54
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:54,836
I've seen the rumours. Heard
them with my own eyes, ears.
55
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,917
I've heard the ears
with my own rumours.
56
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:01,155
Is there any point to
this drivel, Grasientus?
57
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,713
Don't you see, Aulus?
58
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:06,673
It's all part of the British plan
to weaken us and then revolt.
59
00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,075
And when they do attack, where
will the Roman army be?
60
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:13,238
- Up to its nuts in British...
- Yes, all right, Grasientus.
61
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:15,919
I take your point.
I'll pass a law.
62
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,997
Anyone found running an
unruly house or den of vice
63
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:22,350
will be fined or hanged or both.
64
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,197
You word it, I'll sign it.
65
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:27,994
- Now, where's my post?
- I'm afraid the post hasn't arrived.
66
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,713
No post again? What's
wrong with this country.
67
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,513
You got a spare two
weeks, I'll tell you.
68
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:39,270
Roads, that's what we need.
Good, well-made Roman roads.
69
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:42,198
If men are so keen on laying,
they can lay some roads.
70
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,791
That's rather good, isn't it?
71
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,311
I'm punning in British.
72
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,234
I'm sorry?
73
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:55,919
Well, you see, there's
laying and there's...
74
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,314
Doesn't matter.
75
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:02,878
Welcome to the finest brothel
this side of Colchester.
76
00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:08,590
What do you think?
77
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,837
- Marvellous.
- She's only the cleaner.
78
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:14,348
I mean, this place isn't
just a leg-over joint.
79
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:19,110
I see it as more of a leisure emporium,
a sort of health and fitness spa
80
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:23,472
where men can take exercise or discuss
the important issues of the day.
81
00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,511
It's a...
82
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,391
a sort of gymnasium.
83
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,476
It's a haven of tranquillity.
It's a...
84
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,273
- Leg-over joint.
- It's a leg-over joint, yeah.
85
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:40,835
And for our very modest fee, if you
join, you can enjoy, for example,
86
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,871
the delights of Enid.
87
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,793
There you are, after a
hard day killing Britons,
88
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:49,434
there's a lovely place
to get your head down.
89
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,471
I see. Somewhere to
put your feet up.
90
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,231
No, that's Gwyneth upstairs.
91
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,397
Enid, actually, is one of our
most sought-after playmates.
92
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,352
She specialises in
Greek lyric odes,
93
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,551
Germanic love ballads
and blow jobs.
94
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:04,669
Through here is the...
95
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:08,793
As you're all well aware, I
have been designing roads now
96
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:14,039
all over the empire with considerable
success, if you'll excuse my modesty.
97
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:17,993
Now, this particular road has posed many
difficult yet challenging problems,
98
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:21,715
but the design I've come up
with copes adequately therewith
99
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:25,435
and takes into consideration the
economic and topographical feasibilities
100
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:30,600
and is, and I say this without any vain
glory, like all great architecture,
101
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,438
the perfect marriage of the
aesthetic and the functional,
102
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,311
the sensuous and
the pragmatic...
103
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:38,033
You've done us a straight
line again, haven't you?
104
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,949
Well, straight is an
emotionally toned word.
105
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,069
Come on, Viatorus.
106
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:47,999
You've done another of those boring old
straight lines from A to B, haven't you?
107
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:52,431
Well, certainly it has no bends...
as such.
108
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,630
But, then again, what is a bend?
109
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,636
As Zeno the philosopher
was wont to say...
110
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,240
- Show me the plans.
- Careful, careful.
111
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:03,034
This design has taken me weeks
of calculation and planning.
112
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:05,435
- Show me!
- Ah, ah, ah, ah!
113
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,472
Surprise, surprise.
114
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:14,229
It's worked before. Don't
change a winning format.
115
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,672
- How much do we pay you?
- It's my trademark.
116
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,711
Straight is great.
117
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,751
Curvy is pervy.
118
00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:28,955
Marcus, come and meet my
entertainments director.
119
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:32,197
Pleased to meet you, Marcus. The
call me Mungo the Procrastinator.
120
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,754
- Why's that?
- I'll tell you tomorrow.
121
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,916
This is Blag.
122
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,951
Hello, Marcus.
123
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,592
He isn't one of the
playmates, is he?
124
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:46,076
Oh, no, no, no. Mind you, if you
wanted a quick half hour with Blag,
125
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,439
we could arrange something.
126
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:50,597
- No, thanks, not for me.
- I see. Girls only, is it?
127
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,074
Well, humans only.
128
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,350
He's very sensitive is Blag.
129
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,789
Does he always smell
of horse manure?
130
00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:01,196
Oh, no, no. Some days
he smells terrible.
131
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,879
Blag, relief massage
in number 14.
132
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:10,072
No, Marcus, I'm sure you'll find this
is a month's salary very well spent.
133
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,078
Listen, Badvoc, the governor's
cutting down on places like this.
134
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,918
- If he finds out I've been...
- There's no need to worry.
135
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,918
This is in a deserted village
miles from anywhere.
136
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,918
It's a remote backwater
of no interest to anyone.
137
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,190
- What's it called?
- Romford.
138
00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:25,719
- Never heard of it.
- Exactly.
139
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,558
Besides, it's not just your
ordinary soldier we get in here.
140
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:32,036
Some of the governor's personal friends
are regular visitors to this place.
141
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:33,513
- No.
- Yeah.
142
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:37,599
The governor's best mate,
Functio, practically lives here.
143
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,596
- But he's a married man.
- So?
144
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,870
He tells his wife he's
on night manoeuvres,
145
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,480
and he's not lying,
I can tell you.
146
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:47,990
Now, before you go, Marcus, have
you got any of these diseases?
147
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,595
- Certainly not.
- Good.
148
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:53,631
You soon will have.
149
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,035
Nothing stands in the
way of our new road
150
00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:02,916
except an insignificant abandoned
settlement about here called Romford,
151
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,713
which we can easily knock down
without any local opposition.
152
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,637
We have to be very,
very careful.
153
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,035
The Brits object to us
knocking down their homes.
154
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,674
You'd think they'd pay us.
155
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,154
I'll call in Functio. He's
a level-headed fellow.
156
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,158
If ever you want a calm and rational
opinion about anything at all,
157
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,679
Functio's your man.
158
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,312
Functio!
159
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,271
Ah, now, Romford.
160
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,311
I've never been there.
161
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,959
Who told you? It's a lie.
162
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,877
I'm a happily married man.
163
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,992
Don't mention Romford to anyone,
please, Aulus, I beg you.
164
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:39,554
Never mention
Romford, not Romford!
165
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,556
It's an awful place.
166
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,310
There, there. Functio,
it's all right.
167
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,316
In fact, we're thinking
of pulling it down.
168
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,749
Oh, good.
169
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:52,189
Not Romford?
170
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,196
You mustn't pull it down.
171
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:55,992
Oh, my God!
172
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,634
Lovely, lovely, Romford.
173
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,512
Oh, my dear old Romford.
174
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,551
Oh, Romford.
175
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:16,078
And so, great Emperor, work
on the wall continues apace.
176
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,918
It will without doubt
stand out in the empire
177
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,155
as one of our finest
178
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,431
and biggest... erections.
179
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,635
- Will that be all, Governor?
- Hm?
180
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:33,035
Uh, yes, Gargamadua.
181
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:36,868
Please, call me Aulus.
182
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,354
- Aulus.
- Gargamadua.
183
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,317
What a charming name.
184
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:46,955
I've often rolled it
around my tongue.
185
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,154
- What does it mean?
- Snot bucket.
186
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:56,318
Does it? How exquisite.
187
00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:00,600
Well, Snot... Well, Gargamadua,
188
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,074
you shouldn't be performing
these menial tasks.
189
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,588
You should be doing something
much more appropriate
190
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,474
to a girl of your abilities
and obvious charms.
191
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,431
What sort of thing did
you have in mind?
192
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,869
Well, what sort of
thing can you do?
193
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:17,799
Well, people have said I'm
very good with my hands.
194
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,876
Have they?
195
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:23,878
And there's one thing I
do particularly well.
196
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,480
- And what's that?
- Aulus!
197
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,318
My God, that's brilliant.
A ventriloquist?
198
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,269
- It's Badvoc.
- I know, it's just like him.
199
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,117
- It's wonderful.
- No, he's coming.
200
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:39,016
I'm promised to him. He'll kill me if
he finds me here. Where can I hide?
201
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,896
- Don't be ridiculous.
- He'll kill you as well.
202
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,559
Get behind the curtain.
203
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,636
Aulus, what the bloody
hell is going on?
204
00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:48,797
- What?
- This road you're planning to build.
205
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:51,592
Oh, the road.
206
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:54,996
Do you realise it goes right
through the middle of Romford?
207
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:57,952
- Yes, I'm aware of that.
- A place of natural beauty.
208
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,958
Four shacks by a swamp,
according to my information.
209
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,709
One of those shacks, Mr Governor,
happens to be an old people's home.
210
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,671
An old people's home.
211
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,632
Those old people will suffer if
you turn them out of their home.
212
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:15,229
Have you ever seen old people suffering?
Have you?
213
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,716
I'll show you old people suffering.
Blag, Mungo.
214
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,751
Ow! Ow!
215
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,954
That's old people suffering.
216
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,230
Do you want that on your
conscience, Mr Governor?
217
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:32,068
These people will be rehoused in
better and cleaner accommodation
218
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:33,155
nearer Chelmsford.
219
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,237
- Oh, thank you.
- Shut up, you bloody wrinklies!
220
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:40,319
Clear off. Messing up the
governor's office like that.
221
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:45,195
Badvoc, why this sudden
interest in Romford?
222
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:48,232
Aulus, I beg you.
223
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,635
- Nay, I command you...
- Don't you command me.
224
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:53,319
All right, I'll go
back to begging you.
225
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:56,670
Aulus, I beg you, do not
destroy that village.
226
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,631
- Why not?
- Why not?
227
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,717
Why not?
228
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,596
Why not?
229
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,154
Uh, Functio. Tell him why not.
230
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:12,198
- Why not what?
- Why he can't destroy Romford.
231
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,432
Because it's a place
of natural beauty.
232
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,358
- Uh-uh.
- The old people's home.
233
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:24,073
- Ah, yes, the shrine.
- The shrine?
234
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:25,439
- The shrine.
- The shrine.
235
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,152
- What shrine?
- What shrine?
236
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,476
The shrine... to the great god.
237
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,112
Uh, thingy.
238
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:36,153
Thingy. The great god Thingy.
239
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:41,228
Whose shrine must
never be disturbed
240
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:45,114
lest he visit our tribe
with plagues and boils.
241
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,390
- And pestilence.
- And storms.
242
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:51,752
- And earthquakes.
- And some more storms just in case.
243
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:55,509
- And Badvoc is the high priest.
- Eh?
244
00:13:55,560 --> 00:14:01,476
Oh, yes. Oh, great Thingy on high,
all seeing Thingy who sees all...
245
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:05,399
Yes, all right. Obviously
I'll have to think about it.
246
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:10,235
I've thought about it and the road still
goes through Romford. Now, you, out.
247
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:12,589
- You haven't heard the last of this.
- Yes, yes, yes.
248
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,029
- You just wait till the great god...
- Thingy.
249
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,275
Thingy visits you with boils.
250
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,834
Don't come grovelling
to me for forgiveness.
251
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,591
Or boil cream.
252
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:24,880
Have they gone?
253
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:28,239
- Ah.
- Ah. Uh...
254
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,070
- Functio, this is...
- Yes, I know.
255
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,918
Hello, Gargamadua.
256
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,751
She's been behind the curtain.
257
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:45,918
Cleaning it.
258
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,349
Cleaning the back
of the curtain.
259
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,392
They get filthy, the
backs of these curtains.
260
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:54,034
That looks fine to me. Thank you very much.
That looks fine.
261
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,036
Thank you. Thank you. Fine.
262
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,390
Yes, well, I'll be off, then.
263
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:04,632
I've just remembered some important
business I have to attend to.
264
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,229
Badvoc.
265
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:10,919
I hope Badvoc doesn't find out.
266
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,996
Well, what would he do?
267
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,395
Well, he'd probably...
268
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:22,079
Really? With a mackerel?
269
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:45,869
Six miles, 385 yards. Good.
270
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,230
It... It does look...
271
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,475
straight to you, does it?
272
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,679
Good, good. Onwards.
273
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,549
- Oh.
- Yeah? What do you want?
274
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,478
Your house is in the way of
our new road, I'm afraid.
275
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:10,195
Eh? I'm not budging
for no Roman road.
276
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:13,198
My family's lived here
for hundreds of years,
277
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:16,949
long before you lot come over here,
with your new roads and so forth.
278
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:19,679
Over my dead body.
279
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,391
Can we get on, please?
280
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:29,352
Ah!
281
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,197
Gargamadua.
282
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,115
Some people are born great.
283
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,276
Others achieve greatness.
284
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:40,996
But tonight, Gargamadua, you're gonna
have greatness thrust upon you.
285
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:52,911
Can you smell something? A sort of
rancid butter smell with rotting flesh?
286
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,271
Ah, Grasientus,
that explains it.
287
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,952
Look at this profile, Grasientus. One
day this head will be on a coin.
288
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,958
Have to be a very big coin.
289
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,992
Aren't there some children you
can go and frighten somewhere?
290
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:11,600
- Work has stopped on the new road.
- Why?
291
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,598
Because if you want to
knock down Romford,
292
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:19,760
the Brits insist on appeasing the local
god Thingy by sacrificing a virgin.
293
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,190
So what's the delay? Trying
to find one, I suppose.
294
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,914
Look, Grasientus, I'm expecting
my massage any minute,
295
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,111
so you get back to that road and tell
them to get on with their sacrifice.
296
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,628
I want that road busy with
traffic by the end of the week.
297
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,591
- And then, Grasientus...
- What?
298
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,835
I want you to go and lie on it.
299
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,472
- Your massage is here.
- Oh.
300
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,511
Gargamadua.
301
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,354
You little temptress.
302
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,392
Come, take me. I'm all yours!
303
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,875
Do you want a massage first?
304
00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:00,196
What the hell are you doing here?
Where's Gargamadua?
305
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:05,792
Oh, she's down at the
road being sacrificed.
306
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,274
What? It's unbelievable.
307
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,318
Gargamadua? She's not
a virgin, is she?
308
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:16,512
It come as a surprise to
quite a few of us, actually.
309
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,596
Look, you're gonna have
to be a bit patient,
310
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,359
cos this is me first
time as a masseur.
311
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,870
I used to be a shepherd, but I
got a bit peckish at lunchtime
312
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,673
and ate me job.
313
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,711
You oaf!
314
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,797
Functio, this is monstrous!
315
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,876
I don't know. It could catch on.
316
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:45,670
And so, Romans,
Britons, friends...
317
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:48,430
having averted the
senseless slaughter
318
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,914
of a young British maiden,
I would like to...
319
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,471
Yes, I would like to.
320
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:58,352
Propose this new design
for the Chelmsford Road.
321
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:03,193
It's got a bend in it.
322
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,550
Yes, in order to preserve
the holy town of Romford,
323
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:10,115
we have built a road which
now passes by the town,
324
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:14,915
and henceforth this stretch of road
will be called the Romford Passby.
325
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,356
You've ruined me.
326
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,994
A Roman road with a bend in it?
327
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,349
I'll be the laughing
stock of the empire.
328
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,550
Viatorus the Bender
they'll call me.
329
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:29,752
Come, come, Viatorus.
Bendy is trendy.
330
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,752
I resign! I'm going
back to Rome.
331
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:38,749
Good. Out of the door, turn right,
straight line for 2,000 miles.
332
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,636
I didn't know it
was fancy dress.
333
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,434
Aulus, we salute thee.
334
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:53,552
Thee what has saved
335
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:56,592
the holy town of Romford,
336
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:59,677
with its sacred shrine
to the great god...
337
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,631
- Thingy?
- Thingy.
338
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:05,275
In fact, Functio and
I are off there now
339
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,072
for an evening of...
340
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:10,112
Thingy. Quiet contemplation.
341
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,875
Badvoc, in your capacity as the
high priest of the great god, uh...
342
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,558
- Thingy.
- Yes.
343
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:21,230
I think I should tell you, that
whilst my men were in Romford,
344
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,111
they discovered a brothel.
345
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,230
No!
346
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:29,876
There were young girls who exposed
their bodies shamelessly.
347
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:34,869
They gently manipulated themselves,
rubbing olive oil on their breasts,
348
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,798
lingering tantalisingly
over their nipples,
349
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:43,312
which they circled like this
until they stood brazenly erect.
350
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:52,831
This is all hearsay,
you realise.
351
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:56,759
And apparently there was a woman
writhing on the floor with a snake.
352
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,473
- A snake?
- Must have been Tuesday.
353
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:03,433
- What?
- This is most disturbing, Aulus.
354
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,916
Yes. Well, in order to preserve
the sanctity of Romford,
355
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,473
I had the brothel pulled down.
356
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:11,360
Good.
357
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,152
Why the glum faces, gentlemen?
358
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,198
- We are moved.
- We're overcome...
359
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,560
with holiness.
360
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,797
- And purity.
- Good, I'm pleased.
361
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,469
I think in thousands of years,
posterity will thank me
362
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:32,114
for sparing the
holiness of Romford,
363
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:36,438
where the faithful can go and contemplate
amongst its hallowed places.
364
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,199
Romford will be a serene place,
365
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:42,198
with sacred groves
and holy shrines.
366
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:47,155
Romford will have exquisite
arbours, ponds of the purist water,
367
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:49,998
lush meadows, crystal
clear streams,
368
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:53,430
leafy orchards, marble temples.
369
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,916
Romford will have everything.
370
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,951
Will it have a dog track?
371
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:45,198
Say what you like about these
Romans, they can build a road.
372
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:49,836
Nice and wide, two lanes so
carts can get by either side.
373
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,030
Yeah.
374
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,115
Here, what's this?
375
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:57,358
Looks like a Roman chariot coming
down the wrong side the road.
376
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,118
Yeah, I know what it is.
377
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:02,869
Oi! Get over! Get
over to the left!
378
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,593
Over to your right!
379
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,279
- Left! Left!
- Left!
380
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:11,630
- Over to your right!
- Get over to the left!
381
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,830
- Right!
- Left!
382
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:19,711
- Right! Ripped By mstoll